i had a dream where a father spent time
with a daughter
a father had time to spend
with a daughter
you see i would have been a teacher
a professor, some vainglorious pursuit
that has faded, simply faded
fog lifting, leaves falling, snow melting
some say things will change, things will improve
but how many doors have they knocked on?
how many eyes have they looked into?
i saw it coming but thought – not me
it seemed simple, obvious, a series of checkboxes
mark them off, one by one by one by...
i did all the little things, the annoying things
just like they told me in the brochure
my guiding hope, a dimming light that shorn explosively
my daughter’s smile, the look in her eye when i told her
one day...when i told her...we’ll have all the time in the world
my time will match your time will be our time
reality hits like a sledgehammer to the face
options few, jobs less, confirmation via email
wrong degree, wrong time, wrong state, wrong move
checkmate motherfucker you dropped the ball
you’re at the end of the line now, you get to start over
you pissed it all away on a fallible dream
and look at you now, down in your garden
with your tattoos and earrings and drug addiction
a fake name, a false reality, trying to be someone
you never could have been, you pissed it all away for this?
for what? for nothing? yeah other people are worse off
yeah there’s others more down, but they’re not me
it’s not about them, it’s about me – my failure, i failed my daughter
this is not a poem, this is nothing, just electric dots of light
just emotion poured forth without structure, this is the wake
up call i never wanted, no the dream should continue
why am i not dreaming?
so don’t tell me to put away my sorrow, you don’t get it
you don’t understand – there’s no such thing as empathy on the Internet
the torment that blends through my skin, the could have been,
the should of, the would of, is all fucking bullshit
yeah i get that, yeah i hear that, motherfucker – see, i laid it out square
i did everything right, even through the misinformation, the lies, the bullshit
all i wanted, a decent job that offered enough time for my daughter
and i failed – it’s not the economy, or the words, or things that slipped
i failed, it’s on me, it’s my responsibility, it’s my false harbor
and she’ll look up at me with those blue eyes, freckle flecked cheeks,
braces coming off in June, more beautiful each day – she’ll look at me
and say, it’s okay, daddy – we’ll be fine – why are you crying?
so fuck everyone else, it’s not about you, it’s not about me or us, or we,
or anything other than her, i did it for her, i failed her, i fell down
and when i get up
when she puts her hand out
when i get up
when i start, yet again, one more time
i’ll stand straight
with broken limbs, bruised ego, tired spirit
i’ll stand up
and keep screaming
keep fighting
keep dreaming
keep pushing
because we all have daughters
we all want time
and the government won’t save us
those bobbleheads in their silk and gold
in their ivory towers
they won’t save us
they don’t even know us
and we rise up, when we take back
when we tear down and begin again
because we all begin again
that’s when the smile on my daughter’s face
will no longer break my heart
the best Valentine’s Day is today
the best Valentine’s Day is today -
i spend it with you -
no matter the sudden cost to breathe,
nor the threat of gray bitter clouds clinging to an eastern sky -
your heart pushes my blood through creaking veins –
today is no different, no better, than tomorrow
or next week
i remember a joyless past in those imprecise days before we met,
living the lie in a suburban enclave that destroyed, bit by bit,
the desire to be anything other than a cog in the machine,
a feckless man buried in beige and teal
that first smile you shared with me,
that first glance, the first time we touched in darkened room, buried deep
from a tenuous sun –
everything changed from cold fire to blue heat, a conflaguration of desire and need
and absolute understanding
the taste of your tongue as it travels my lips
ignites a passion i had not known, never thought possible -
at 42 my life began again, aspiration to live and thrive
and steal night from day raced through my veins -
you are my obsession, my desire – you are the muscle
in my limbs, the electric light in my mind -
you carry me past those gray clouds climbing -
together unstoppable, we are beyond conviction
i don’t need a Hallmark Card or a specific date on calendar, or credentials from congress,
or a certificate from god to know you are mine, united,
with me, forever
please forgive me if i love you too much,
say too much, feel too much,
if my heart explodes ...
each morning, when you wake in my arms / i know
each day, when we laugh and tease / i know
each night, when you ride my cock / i know
there’s no need for language
you never have to say the words you feel because your eyes already told me
and i only tell you those words, everyday, because i want everyone
to know and hear
that i love you
now, forever
i love you
Jack Henry's nonessential information can be found HERE.
